As you could see in the earlier post, I'd gone through depression that even today I have a bit of trouble with. back then I didn't feel like I was in reality, I didn't feel as though I were real... happiness was a word that I believed was fake.
I hadn't cared back then if I lived or died...
the day of my Grandpa's funeral sort of woke me up though, I remember sitting in the car alone after the ceremony in tears thinking "why did I think my life was so bad before, why didn't I want to live?" during that time I'd have given anything just to go back and do things over, to cherish all of the time I'd been given to spend with my Grandpa that I so stupidly let slip by.
I'm not saying I pulled a whole three sixty and turned into a whole different person in one day, nah, depression doesn't work like that.
...It took an Easter morning, about six months after my Grandpa's funeral to feel it, feel that strange warmth in my chest that I'd tried so hard to suppress. I hadn't been in a church... ever really, I grew up always believing in God, always watching those movies during Christmas and Easter, but I'd never really believed in it...
part of me didn't want to believe in him, because, well, why would he let me go through that if he's such a loving Father?
on that Easter morning I looked up at the Cross and found that warmth, that warmth that thawed a bit of my heart and nearly made me feel over whelmed by emotions that I'd tried so hard to keep down.
Again, not saying I changed in a day, my thoughts are that people never really change, they're just given the opportunity to do things differently...
that school year, my freshman year of high school had been the year that had opened my eyes the most, that year I discovered who my real friends were, that year I discovered that I could speak up, that year I found my self gaining strength to do things I'd never thought I could before... I was learning how to love, that year I'd started learning how to be happy again.
I don't think Depression ever truly leaves you, like a cancer it cripples you, makes you week..."Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:16,17" , what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, while it'd felt like hell at the time I would never take it back, what I struggled with showed me that I needed to cherish ever moment, every person... I wanna use what ever strength I've been recieving to love others and perhaps someday I'll be loved in return.
Someday I wanna wake up and not see sadness, I wish for the world to be happy, and yes, that's a very naive notion but I'd go a million years as the most naive person then go back to what I'd been before... sometimes it's nice to try to find the good in people before automatically searching for their faults, and while I'll never truly trust someone I wanna believe that I'll at least love them...
and on that note, I leave you now so I can get ready for bed with these words- it needs to rain for there to be a rainbow^^
love you, good night^^
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